1. If the sound of your own whimpering has woken you, it’s time to take another pill.
2. Why did I take this on an empty stomach instead of with chocolate cake?
3. Thank God I’m seeing my hair colorist in 2 weeks. The gray is really showing.
4. Instead of the “don’t use while operating heavy machinery” warning on medication, they should tell us something useful, like “stay away from sewing needles, flat irons, and your ex-boyfriend's Facebook page.”
5. If I slept, I might save a lot of money on under-eye concealer.
6. When somebody tells you “It’s all in your head,” try and resist the urge to smack them.
7. Cloudy days are my favorite. But rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
8. Better to attend a mime show than a musical with a headache.
9. Why are they now making women’s eye shadow in colors that only a clown would wear?
10. Don't cough, sneeze laugh, or do any form of exercise other than Kegels.
11. This is not a random thought – thanks for stopping by.