2023 has felt like a runaway train that is now screeching to a halt as it nears its final destination, jerking me to and fro, as I try to regain my equilibrium and make sense of the ride.
If I made any resolutions at the start of the year, I don’t remember them. I’m sure I also picked three words to focus on, too - my mantra, if you will, but I don’t remember those either.
No, 2023 has been a year of being in the moment, not so much out of choice as necessity.
For those who don’t know me personally, or haven’t read anything previous that referenced it, I am the caregiver for my 95-year-old father who has been at home in hospice now for a year and a half.
This trajectory began in July of 2020 and has been a roller coaster that I’m certain rivals the most extreme in the world.
It has made all plans tentative. It’s also called into serious question what plans are actually worth making, what goals are worth keeping, and the bigger question of why.
I’ve heard it said by more than one motivational/transformational teacher that if your “why” is important enough, you can accomplish anything.
In my case, the “why” has to be pretty damn ginormous for me to muster what energy and time I have left after caregiving to put towards my own personal agenda.
So what are the goals worth keeping? What dreams are worth holding fast to as 2024 approaches?
What has 2023 been about besides caregiving? What have I accomplished? What have I created? What have I contributed? Who have I connected with or reconnected with? What joy did I revel in? How have I grown (besides in girth)?
Who am I now that I wasn’t a year ago?
For starters, when I look back on 2023, I need to remind myself that songs were written that did not exist a year ago. So were blogs, parts of new books, and pieces of a musical.
I read more books this year than in previous years, largely because I succumbed to the audio book craze, thereby doubling the volume consumed by listening as well as reading physical books.
I went to concerts. More than in most years, because those experiences are indelible and the chances to have them, fleeting.
I saw Barry Manilow, Mary Chapin Carpenter, and Kenny Loggins on his final tour, to name a few.
I got to reconnect with Henry Winkler, who has been an encourager and cheering section throughout most of my life, and whose memoir tops my list of favorites for the year, which is saying something, because I read a lot of memoirs.
I resumed live and virtual performances, both solo and with my band, The Inspire Project.
I found out my first real love passed away in 2022 and grieved his loss, though we hadn't been in touch in years.
I stayed connected with friends near and far, and made amends for losing touch with some whom my years of absence have hurt.
I’ve grappled with my own physical pain and the emotional fortitude it takes to remain steadfast in walking a loved one toward the end of their days.
I’ve accepted kindness offered, generosity given, and asked for help when I needed it. None of those were easy for me to do, but they have deepened relationships and grown me, because shockingly, I cannot do everything by myself, as previously attempted.
So as 2023 draws to its close, I am, first and foremost, grateful that no matter how difficult this past year has been, and it has been hard, that the little old man in the hospital bed across from where I type this, is still here. And on rare, fully conscious moments, he expresses his love and appreciation for me.
I am keenly aware that my life and past year have been richly blessed by the quality of humans I surround myself with.
As for 2024, I’ve been thinking about what I can personally do to change the current shit show that is our country and world right now, because evidently, lamenting humanity’s inevitable demise doesn’t really improve our chances.
So here are my profound desires and intentions for 2024…
To be more compassionate.
To accept the uncertainty of life with grace.
To choose words and actions that emanate from kindness.
To be forgiving to others and honest with myself.
To risk boldly and dare greatly when it comes to my deepest heart’s desires.
To remind everyone I encounter of his or her own magnificence.
To speak up and out.
To laugh as much as possible.
To read more than last year.
To move my musical, songs, books, and other writing forward and usher them out into the world.
To connect one-on-one with more family and friends.
To say yes to what excites me.
To say no to what I don’t really want to do, without any remorse or guilt.
To look for the joy in each day, the peace in any given moment, and the lesson in every challenge.
To remember that the only bottom line questions are – did I do my best, and did I make this world a more loving place because I was in it.
Whatever your desires are, I hope 2024 exceeds your wildest expectations.
With love and gratitude,
Ilene
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